Who You Callin’ Cupcake?

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OK…this has nothing to do with dolls…but it is Valentine’s Day, and I just couldn’t pull a good Valentine-themed post out of my ass for you, so I made cupcakes. Not just any cupcakes, mind you…but fabulous cupcakes. Dolls and food don’t really mix (rest in peace, Bonnie Vivant), so this won’t be a regular thing. But indulge me, I don’t have a stinking Valentine, thank you very much…

These are the easiest cupcakes ever. From yummy freshness to your tummy…the two-tone icing was an epic fail…but what the hell, it gave us the excuse to whore ’em up right – thereby keeping a Valentine Tradition alive.

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I adapted the recipe from here, and the frosting recipe from here. About two and a half-ish c. all purpose flour (not cake flour) – I weighed it – 325 grams. Add 3/4 tsp. baking powder, 1/2 tsp. baking soda, 3/4 tsp. salt – mix and set aside. Mix 3/4 c. unsalted butter (melted) and 1.5 c. granulated sugar. Have on hand 1 whole egg and 1 egg yolk, 1/3 c. plain Greek yogurt, 9 oz. whole milk, and 1.5 tsp. good vanilla.

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2 pints of strawberries, hulled and trimmed of white shoulders.

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Coarsely mush strawberries in a processor or blender – or just mash ’em up with a potato masher. Measure out about a cup, reserve the rest.

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Mix sugar and butter with a spoon – electric mixer is not needed here, but can be used on medium-low speed.

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Add all the rest of your wet ingredients, except strawberry mush. Vigorously stir to combine and break up the yogurt as best you can.

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Add the strawberry mush…stir well to combine. Give it several good strokes until batter comes together – about 4 minutes.

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Add dry ingredients…put your elbow into it, another 4 minutes. Yes, you can use an electric mixer…but use a low speed.

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Swap to a spatula, and scrape down all sides to completely combine. The batter won’t be crazy thick, but will have a slightly thicker consistency than pancake batter. It needs to be pourable…

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Transfer to whatever you have that will help you pour this batter into the cups…make sure you have at least 18-24 cupcake liners in a pan ready and the oven preheated to 350 degrees.

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I didn’t have two 12-cup muffin pans…so I compromised – the Picasso cakes will be good for sampling (and they also required about another 10 minutes in addition to the regular baking time).

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Only fill about 3/4 full…they swell and rise while baking. Bake in center of oven for 20 minutes…toothpick inserted in center should come out clean, and you don’t want too much color on the edges (means they may be over-baked and dry as a fart).

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This is perfect.

Indulge in the aroma, and slap the shit out of anyone who even thinks about trying one before they’ve cooled. Cool completely before frosting. Guard them with your life and a shotgun…

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An nontraditional frosting…

Make frosting: 8 oz. cream cheese softened with 1/2 c. granulated sugar, 1 tsp. good vanilla and 1/2 tsp. pure almond extract. Have 2 c.cold heavy cream and red food coloring (the one that causes cancer in lab rats) nearby…

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On medium speed, whip itwhip it good.

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Slowly add the cream while whipping…it takes about 4 minutes to come to stiff peaks…this frosting will keep it’s body, despite the high cream content. You may wish to add some of your reserved strawberry mush, or melted strawberry jam – but I didn’t think it really needed it. If you do…add only a spoonful at a time as it will make the frosting more liquid.

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Reserve about half the frosting…add 4 drops of food coloring to the rest and mix in. You can group and color your frosting however you damn well please, it makes no difference to me. You’ll have about 5 cups to work with.

Perfect 'Never-been-kissed' blush pink...

Perfect ‘Never-been-kissed’ blush pink…

If you are going to try the two-tone frosting, research it from someone who knows what they are doing, first – because I clearly did not. And Tara, it’s your fault for not showing me how…so there.

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It’s suppose to work something like this…

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Tit and Tat.

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At this point, I was about to piss my pants in delight that it might actually work. Then…

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This.

It was not intentional that they all looked so different. Either my tip size was wrong, or the planets were not aligned. Well…that and a little bit of practice would have helped. And the pink needed to be darker, too…it is supposed to contrast, right? Oh – a final note about this frosting…it will tear your lactose intolerance up one side and down the other…so you may just want to do a good old buttercream frosting. But the flavor with the fresh strawberry cupcake was a perfect match, and it couldn’t be beat. As it stood, these cupcakes would be fine to eat…but this is me…soooooooo…

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TAH-DAH!!!

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Whore them up!

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On the eighth day, God created sugar sprinkles for Eve’s Apple Cupcakes…which says something about her baking choices…

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What everyday common whore wouldn’t just love to eat one of these?

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I’m not a purple fan…but I have nieces who are, thank you…and what red-blooded American Funcle wouldn’t accommodate that, I ask you?

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Can’t wait to see what they all look like after bouncing on the walls loaded with sugar just around the time their parents have to take them home…

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You do need to refrigerate cream cheese frosting…or that lactose intolerance will turn into ptomaine poisoning

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Though I highly doubt any bacteria could live through that much chemically enhanced sugar…

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Polka dots for Mommy and Leah…

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Enough of this…I’m eating one. Tara, you can have the ugly one (and don’t you DARE say ‘which ugly one, Funcle Tommy?’ Bitch.

Fine...here's your damn doll...

Fine…here’s your damn doll…

Happy Valentine’s Day...

6 thoughts on “Who You Callin’ Cupcake?

  1. You missed your calling. You should be writing for a living…You are the king of PUN, er Fun….or something….XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

  2. 1. I so want one of those cupcakes, the whore-ir the better.
    2. You are an evil man! posting a link to that wonderful blog, Sally’s Baking Addiction, now I will be surfing that damm blog and trying out recipes….there goes my diet. 😉
    3. You make me laugh and smile when I read your blog. Love, just love your irreverent sense of humor. Your writing rocks!!!

  3. Okay. I admit it…..I was expecting a doll somewhere…. Thought to myself….when does he transform the cupcakes into a dress and get it onto the doll!!! Hahaha…. Are you just into cupcakes or are you a foody. And don’t tell me you’re vegan!!!!

My blog is satire, but your thoughts are welcome!

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