I just love all these lists that run about the internet telling us what not to say to each other. They are generally sanctimonious at best – but they do impart one general message – respect and tolerance for one another. I highly doubt anyone would deign to write such a list for doll collectors, so I’m taking it under my generous wing. Doll collectors are a sensitive lot, and we have feelings just like the rest of them – so imagine how one feels when a friend or loved one continues to say not only stupid things to us, but also highly insensitive remarks that cut at our inner core.
Doll collecting is peculiar, as are most impassioned collecting practices. Why anyone would spend time and money to acquire ‘things’ along a common theme borders on the unstable – true – but we do it, and we do it better than anyone else out there. Dolls also happen to bring much more visual interest than say stamps, coins, matchbooks, thimbles, plates, Depression glass, buttons, balls of string, or baseball cards…and I’ll fight you on that one.
So when you are faced with the ignorant – people who know little-to-zip about dolls – remind them that your collection is a part of you. It reflects your appreciation of the miniature, whimsy, jaw-dropping fashion, beauty and charm that dolls give the beholder. Turn a negative into a positive, and educate others into why these little ladies (and men) bring such happiness and artistic splendor to your world. And above all else, remember you can still slap the shit out of them, if nothing else.
These are the top things non-doll collectors say to doll collectors that annoy the pure living hell out of us – take due notice thereof, and govern yourselves accordingly – there’s a doll collector just waiting to cream you if you don’t.
Which one is worth the most? Why? Do you want to steal it? This can be a very interesting aspect to viewing one’s collection, and it may have conversational purposes – but it’s also a bit rude to ask someone what’s the monetary value of their cherished possessions. A better question is, “Which one means the most to you?” Alternately…
You paid how much for that? I can’t imagine any doll collector being so droll as to actually tell someone how much they paid for a doll – because it just isn’t relevant in appreciating the beauty of the doll, itself. But in the rare instance it does come up, and I suppose there may be such a place for the topic, be prepared for the reaction. Yes, I paid that much for this – and it cost more than that sad rag and afterbirth handbag you’re sporting. Yes, we’re that sensitive. Hope your hair looks good, too – or we’ll go for the jugular.
Are you a hoarder? Maybe, but what difference does it make? Actually, compulsive hoarding is a serious ailment associated with psychological influences, and none that are merely associated with collecting things. The next time you play psycho-therapist and diagnose a doll collector by asking him/her to admit to a problem that probably doesn’t exist, perhaps you should examine your own credentials to see if you’re even qualified to ask such a question. Have you ever considered that you’re an obsessive-compulsive busybody?
Don’t all those eyes creep you out? No…because they’re not ‘eyes’, you moron – they are glass, acrylic and even paint…but for an eye to ‘look’ at you, it really needs a living being behind them. Sounds pretty fundamental, yes? For doll collectors, the eyes are one of the most alluring features – so no, I wouldn’t say they are ‘creeped out’ by them in the least.
OMG – it’s a big Barbie! Ugh…really? Just because it’s a miniature fashion figure, you think they are all ‘Barbie’? Perhaps one of the most annoying comments ever (and not just to doll collectors), is one that generalizes anything into a stereotype that draws upon commonly known brand names to make a point. Why don’t you jot that down on a Post-It?
Aren’t you a little old to be playing with dolls? Aren’t you a little old to judge me like a Puritan? What difference does age make for a person who enjoys and appreciates either collectible or simple everyday toys? I might need to be over 21 to consume alcohol…but don’t card me in reverse when asking if I’m too old to play with dolls. I’m getting too old for this crap…
Do you have a Chuckie? The notorious homicidal plaything from the film ‘Child’s Play’ is pretty much an abomination to doll collectors. Action figure folks and pop culture enthusiasts might be more interested – if it were a better movie – but it wasn’t, and even they aren’t interested in this overplayed, demonic Cabbage Patch Kid.
My Aunt Myra has a bunch of dolls in her attic, can you tell me what they’re worth? Who am I, Sotheby’s? Even at the unlikely chance they may actually have worth, not all doll collectors have the resources to make sound judgment when it comes to worth. And even if they did, it’s not always appealing to be considered the go-to whenever someone discovers a heap of dolls, which are more than likely worthless anyway. Oh sure, many of us might be interested to see what Aunt Myra has, hoping for a No. 1 Brunette Barbie with perfect skin tone…but nine times out of ten, they’re just crap bought at souvenir stands. If you really want to help this situation out, snap some pics of those dolls and show them – and be prepared when you’re told they aren’t worth a cent.
Is Ken gay? No. Just because he has no genitalia gives no purposeful standing when assessing Ken’s sexual orientation. First of all, he’s a doll – second of all, he’s been paired with the most popular doll in history, patiently waiting while she shops for clothes, drives her pink Corvette, and runs for President. What more devotion could you ask of the perfect boyfriend? It’s not Ken’s fault that Barbie has imposed questionable fashion choices and effeminate color palates to his wardrobe. Nope – Ken takes it like a man, all in the name of love. What’s your boyfriend’s sorry-ass excuse?
Do you play dress up with your dolls? Their clothes do not fit me, so the utter ignorance of this statement bores me with its insignificance. I do take great pleasure in mixing and matching their clothes, but for them to wear, not me.
Your spouse must be furious at how much money you’re spending on dolls. How much does yours spend on power tools that never get used, digital equipment beyond his grasping of ordinary technology, guns, sports and Hooters? I’d feel confident in saying most strong relationships are based on trust, although there are some that will hide a new doll acquisition from a spouse until a ‘six-doll collection’ fills a room (“I don’t really know where they came from, Honey.”). But in plenty of modern matrimonial partnerships and otherwise strong life connections, funding usually is independent and none of the others’ damn business – unless you are dipping into the kids’ college fun for that new Sybarite.
Why haven’t you taken her out of the box? So you won’t be tempted to touch her with your grimy, inbred hands, that’s why.
Don’t you ruin it if it’s painted over? That’s always a risk, yes – but people who have their dolls repainted are looking to heighten their enjoyment of a doll by taking it to a more personalized level. Not to mention the artistry that’s associated with successful repainters these days. These collectors are not looking to enhance monetary value, they want to enjoy the magnificence of the art. Why did you add those juvenile racing stripes to your Vespa?
You should try out for Project Runway! I did, thank you – and they weren’t looking for someone who made doll clothes, despite Robert Best’s appearance on the competition – he actually did have his own runway collection, too…so there was more to him than just a ‘doll clothes designer’. People actually think this is a compliment, and more power to them – their hearts are in the right places. But consider the significant difference between miniature clothes and human wearing apparel, such as fit, movement, and functionality. Most people who make doll clothes know this – and it’s probably the reason they (like me) do make doll clothes instead of people clothes – that and it takes less time and materials, with no model who bitches when stuck with a pin.
You need therapy. Because I collect dolls? Oh, Good Lord…have you even considered how unbelievably offensive this is to say to someone who loves what they acquire, takes time to display them in fabulous, detailed vignettes, and cares for their wardrobe with such detail as wrapping pieces in acid-free tissue paper? Why on earth would you ask? This isn’t an intervention.
$12,000? For a doll? If there is someone willing to pay it, then it is worth that amount. Some antiques go for five times that. Placing a value of any item based on what it is simply is in the depths of the beholder’s wallet. You should be so lucky to think your old toys may have brought that kind of cash if you hadn’t chewed them up and ripped their hair out. Take care of your shit, and leave mine alone.
So what do you think about those Human Barbie and Ken people? We don’t – there is nothing remotely ‘Barbie’ or ‘Ken’ about these aberrations of plastic surgery. Untalented media whores…
Are you gay? Oh, I get it…because I’m a man and I collect dolls, I must be gay, right? It just so happens I am, but there are many male collectors who are not. And I suppose male action figure collectors who have big boob female characters just embody heterosexuality?
You’re wasting your money. OK, so I won’t put my kids through college with them, but it is my money, so kindly fuck off.
Do your kids play with your dolls? Not if they value their lives.
Hey, I saw some pretty ‘collectible’ dolls at Cracker Barrel – do you want me to get you one? It’s the thought that counts – but no, thank you. Just because a miniature has anthropomorphic features, a pretty dress, and ‘collectible’ stamped on the box doesn’t mean it’s desirable. If your thought was really in the gesture, why not take the time to understand what I collect and what I like – and surprise me with a signed Numina on my next birthday? And no…you won’t find them at Cracker Barrel.
Barbie would have to be – like an Amazon if she were real. But she’s not real, she’s a doll – not just any doll, but a fashion doll. And there’s a reason why she is shaped the way she is. Stop being ignorant and dreaming of Barbie as a real woman, Hot Wheels as real cars, My Little Pony as real horses, or Playboy as real boobs.
Can I touch this one? Not if you value your life.
Ohhhh – my daughter would just love that doll! I highly doubt she’d be able to afford it. Besides, I don’t think this one-of-a-kind Alice in Wonderland porcelain art doll would fit next to an American Girl knock-off, a cloth doll of unknown origin sporting a splash of vomit on her collar, or a crocheted toilet roll cover made by her Aunt Myra. And you call me, ‘crazy’…
Isn’t it a sin to worship graven images? Isn’t it a sin to mix fibers in woven clothing, punishable by death? And yet you wear those polyester-rayon blend culottes like they were just made for you – yet somehow, no one has killed you.
Are you doll collectors a cult or something? Or something…yeah, that about sums it up, thank you very much.
Dolls are so silly. To you, perhaps…but then I suppose your love for The National Enquirer is just appreciation for fine journalism.
I’d just love that in my size. I’m sorry, but they don’t make doll clothes for people, not mostly anyway – and there’s just no scale conversion for mediocre.
Action figures are way cooler. To whom? Action figure collectors? But I got news for you – they are dolls too, and this isn’t a competition for a Cool Kid’s Club gold star.
I’ll just bet G.I. Joe wants to do Barbie! Sex and dolls don’t mix – you can have sexy dolls, but when you cross the line, you enter perversion. These are not dolls accepted by any normal doll collector. Besides, G.I. Joe is gay.
Pink must be your favorite color. I’m actually rather fond of pink, but that doesn’t mean I want everything around me in that color. And because I love Barbie has no bearing on my love of pink. Mattel happens to use the color frequently because it’s part of Barbie’s brand, and a very popular color for little girls.
No human being would wear that. Well that covers about half of anything you would see in any fashion magazine – but surprisingly enough, they do wear them. And as I’ve said before, these are dolls, and fantasy is a part of their wardrobe. They can wear whatever we damn well want them to wear. Life should be so grand…
Those accessories are so matchy-match. So what? It may not be on-trend to match your accessories, and in that lovely past life of the 50’s and 60s when women wore hats, gloves, scarves and coats to not only match their ensembles – but to enhance them, too – style was considered in high regard. I can’t stand people looking at doll clothes and remarking on how they all match – there’s a charm to a perfectly matched outfit. Newer designers may think it’s boring, but not if the design speaks in and of itself. I can’t think of any other way to ruin a perfectly lovely fashion than to junk it up in mismatched accessories. Are you color blind? It may not be today’s trend – but it will be again, trust me – just like Taliban beards and porn star mustaches have become trendy for hipsters.
Man, those are some ugly dolls. Never…repeat – Never – call a doll ‘ugly’ to its owner. You might not like it, but they obviously do. This is one of the highest Crimes Against Dollmanity to say such an offensive phrase to someone who thinks otherwise. It doesn’t matter if the doll is ugly – it’s not your place to point that out to them. It’s not unlike saying a doll is ugly in online forums – it shows a lack of mutual respect and tolerance for other participants. We doll collectors are better people than that, mostly – but for the non-doll collector, you’ve basically just insulted the owner. Why not just piss on their shoes and punch them in the throat for good measure?
Ken has no balls. And Barbie has no vagina – your comprehension of the obvious is underwhelming. They’re dolls, dude.
I used to collect Beanie-Babies. If you are trying to equate that to my doll collection, just stop. I don’t care what they might have been worth in the 1990’s…but comparing a sewn bean bag in the shape of a teddy bear with Poppy Parker dressed in 1960s spy-girl-glam is beyond any reasonable comparison that borders on the insane. I’m happy you love those bean bag bears, but that doesn’t make us sisters, exactly. We’d have more in common by comparing our fingerprints.
They might be worth it if they were made in America. Is it that endless factory line in Communist China that devalues the talents and skills of the live-human-beings that work in said factories? American ethnocentric ideals stain the very thought of being ‘American’ – and the rest of the world laughs at us because of it. Just because China made a powerhouse out of its greatest natural resource – its people – doesn’t make the work worth any less. It might cost less to make things in China, but that doesn’t make it any less quality. I’ve personally met scores of Chinese workers, and they have hopes, dreams and life plans just like we all do. I’d love to see manufacturing return to the United States, but that means Americans would need to step off their high horse, and accept jobs that aren’t glamourous or high-paying – as are now taken by so many migrant workers who just want to make an honest living. It might be a soap box…but I can’t stand anyone who thinks Chinese factory workers are any less than others in the world, and that they only make cheap shit.
Why do you have so many? Because I’m a doll collector, meaning I collect dolls – note the plural – not just one, mind you – dolls, as in more than one. You can’t collect anything if you only have a single occurrence – except dust, that is.